Don’t mess with karma, she’s a bitch.
I’d like to say I’m sorry for the fool, but he got what he asked for. I hope not too many of his flock pay for his folly as well.
“Tempt not the Lord”: you’d think a Christian pastor would know that.
Take the money and run.
Some reruns probably, fuck yuo!
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing…
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down . Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day-drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do …cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexawhat’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over …what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
NOW…go wash your hands!
A repost, but now with 25% more cackle!