Marital Mirth


#1

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!”

Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.


#2

Stoney was at the Beach.


#3

#4

#5

.03% of the time it works every time!


#6

Every sperm is sacred.

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13095977_10209922209838384_3376638935277093289_n.jpg?oh=99b259705bdb4882ad090320b6242472&oe=579B29A8


#7

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13133368_986188168134073_6980956778202091675_n.jpg?oh=48a5fe93f596345db48dec859c62b2dc&oe=57DADD99

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13178058_1714713708786175_2444141087535375096_n.jpg?oh=1a3ce0a8f89b81896fdf3f12e2cf4d34&oe=57A5293B


#8

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#15

Been there.

Done that.


#16

#17

A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves.

~Seth Meyers


#18

My wife found out I was cheating…
… after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got real mad and said that she’d never play Scrabble with me ever again.


#19

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


#20

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I’m married to his fucking widow.”