Marital Mirth






If I could like that one a million times I would.


I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes. But it’s really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.


A wife is like a hand grenade …

remove the ring and half your house is gone


"I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.”

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?”

The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free.”

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000.”

“How about mine?” the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction.”


My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.



Made love to my wife for an hour and 2 minutes last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn’t have done it without you.

My wife said I was lousy in the bedroom department, but she doesn’t realize how difficult it was to keep an erection with the store manager shouting at me.

Friend: “After 20 years of marriage, sex is down to three times a year.”

Me: “Same here. In fact, if my wife didn’t sleep with her mouth open, I’d get none at all.”

I s my wife ashamed of my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.


If a man with a foot fetish cheated on his wife…
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?


Wait, wut?




There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: “You’re next, Chubby”

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.



My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn’t working, goodbye.”

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.



Aha i thought this rang a bell.