He’s a keeper!
A man’s wife accuses him of "testiculating.”
“What the hell is ‘testiculating?’” the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It’s when a man is talking bollocks!"
The man considers this for a moment. “Tell me something,” he finally says. “Are you on your period?”
“Yes,” his wife answers. "Why?"
The man nods. "I thought so. You’re ovaryacting.”
My wife says I only think with my penis.
I asked her to blow my mind.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
“She is called Five Horses”.
The man said,
"That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It means…
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Advice From a Retired Husband
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man… I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder…
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Don’t ever let a woman catch you working hard around the house, it will remind her of all the work that you still have to do.
Wife: “You wouldn’t last one day as a short order cook.”
Husband’s retort: “You wouldn’t make it past two days. All your customers would be dead.”
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed…
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Ed , who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off… If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian, Dr. Ed, rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.“You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
Dr. Ed ,The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:
“My wife Carla is from Sicily.”
When the husband feels the need to hide his razor lest it ends up on the wife’s legs.