From Shit My Dad Says Valentine’s day
“You’re not gonna do anything with mom?” I asked.
“She might come on the walk. Although lately the dog’s had the shits and she ain’t a fan, so it might be a solo endeavor.”
“So you’re not going to dinner or anything?” I asked.
“No.”
“Yeah, I get it. It’s a made up holiday anyway,” I replied.
“They’re all made up holidays, genius. You think Easter sprouted up from the fucking ground? No. Somebody had to say, ’I’m a big fan of Jesus and I got a ham and some time to kill on a Sunday.”
“We are prisoner to our DNA and what it tells us to do. And when it’s done with us, we’re old and our bodies are fucking useless. I tried to take a piss this morning and it was like a god damn broken sprinkler. My back hurts. I can’t hear for shit. Hell, I haven’t heard a bird in twenty fucking years. And when you realize that evolution has no more use for you, you start to wonder what the hell you’re doing every day,” he said, as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and scratched his biceps.
“This became a really depressing conversation,” I replied.
“It’s not depressing, it’s just life. But here’s the thing; I enjoy every god damn second I spend around your mother. So even though she and I no longer mean jack shit to furthering the human existence, and evolution couldn’t give a fuck what happened to us, we give a shit what happens to each other. I like living because I like spending time with your mom. So you know what? Evolution and procreation, the strongest forces in the god damn universe, can kiss my ass. Because I found a reason to tell them to blow me. And if I feel like celebrating that fact on Valentine’s Day or fucking Arbor Day, it don’t matter.”
He looked outside in the backyard, then back at me.
“If you’ll excuse me, the dog’s hopping around like he’s got the shits. If mom comes home tell her I’m on a walk.”