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Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
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What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
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I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
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We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
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A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
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A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.
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Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
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To the handicapped guy who stole my bag. You can hide but you can’t run.
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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
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Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.
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Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
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I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
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The first rule of Alzheimer’s club? Don’t talk about chess club.
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Yeah I thought there might be one.
Huh? I see no pic?
Try again
There it is!
Actually laughed out loud…
My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
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I can’t remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimers joke.
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still f***ing celebrating!!”
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My friend bet me a hundred dollars I wouldn’t take five Viagra pills at once. I thought, “How hard can it be?”
