Todays Funny


#181


#182

It’s supposed to say “glitter”…

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(may have to click on it)


#183

#184

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later…

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys


#185

#186

#187


#188


#189

What do you call an obese psychic?
A four chin teller.

If a drummer quits the band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

I saw a job ad for a garbage collector. No experience or qualifications necessary.
You pick it up as you go along.

When is D-Day?
Everyday when you are stuttering.

I recently learned that goats can have what’s called a “phantom pregnancy.” It’s when their body thinks it’s pregnant when it isn’t.
I kid you not.


#190

#191

#192

A child with an imaginary friend is normal
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

My wife is so ugly…
she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

So I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis…
So far it’s gotten three Reichs on Facebook

What’s the best pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in.”

How you treat the wait staff on a first date:
Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they’ll treat their significant other in six months.
So now when I’m on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.


#193

#194

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn’t understand tsar chasm.


#195

At a funeral
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: clears throat "Plethora."
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”


#196


#197

#198

A successful businessman sat down with his new son-in-law to discuss his role in the family business. He said to him, “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family. To show you how much I care, I’ve made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn how everything works.”

The son-in-law said, “That’s very kind of you but I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“Oh, I see,” said the father-in-law. “In that case, you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations there.”

“That’s very kind of you but I hate office work too,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk in an office all day, every day.”

At this point the father-in-law was getting a little annoyed and said “I just made you half-owner of a huge money-making organization, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”


#199

#200